Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You brought string cheese to the strip club
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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