Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize