The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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