I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
