I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
two words: eviction party
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
