fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
false alarm. still invincible.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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