You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
