You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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