Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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