hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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