I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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