okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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