And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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