fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
