If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
