i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
