and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
