who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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