smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
