i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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