Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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