hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
