'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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