You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
