When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
