in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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