I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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