his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
