he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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