My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
