His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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