it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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