So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
