my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
