why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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