Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
