Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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