Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
