Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
