Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
