READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
