He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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