she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
