I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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