hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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