is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize