i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So many bounce houses so little time
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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