Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
