I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
