if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
