Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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