at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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