you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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