After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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