You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
