I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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