Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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