i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
