i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
