Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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